{"id":16526,"date":"2015-02-26T10:06:23","date_gmt":"2015-02-26T18:06:23","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/forallevents.com\/reviews\/?p=16526"},"modified":"2015-02-26T10:06:23","modified_gmt":"2015-02-26T18:06:23","slug":"are-writer-and-his-wife-in-danger-of-losing-it-nah","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/forallevents.com\/reviews\/are-writer-and-his-wife-in-danger-of-losing-it-nah\/","title":{"rendered":"Are writer and his wife in danger of losing it? Nah"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"\"<\/a>

Granddaughter\u2019s front teeth rank low on columnist\u2019s list of worrisome lost items. Photo: Woody Weingarten.<\/p><\/div>\n

My wife keeps me busy by endlessly assigning me unwanted tasks.<\/p>\n

Like finding her lost cell phone.<\/p>\n

And umbrellas.<\/p>\n

My search parties are mobilized weekly.<\/p>\n

Not long ago Nancy phoned from downtown San Anselmo while walking our little white rescue mutt.<\/p>\n

No, she hadn\u2019t misplaced our biodegradable poop bags.<\/p>\n

\u201cPlease come and rescue me,\u201d she wailed. \u201cI\u2019ve lost my keys again.\u201d<\/p>\n

I scoured virtually every inch of her trail \u2014 Creek and Inspiration parks, block after block of San Anselmo Avenue, the lawn of Town Hall.<\/p>\n

I pushed aside foliage where Kismet had deposited some stinky stuff and Nancy had bent over to collect it. I checked each early-blooming flower, each parked vehicle. I kicked aside fallen leaves that had accumulated at curbside.<\/p>\n

I stopped counting at 1,439,574.<\/p>\n

Diddly squat.<\/p>\n

Happily, a young lad found the keys soon after we\u2019d retreated to our home. He turned them into the police, whom we\u2019d been smart enough to notify.<\/p>\n

Losing this \u2018n\u2019 that has for sure become too habitual for both of us.<\/p>\n

As well as for a slew of our aging friends.<\/p>\n

On a whim, Nancy and I crafted a list \u2014 and noticed that losing something isn\u2019t necessarily bad.<\/p>\n

When she partially lost her hearing, for instance, she could no longer hear my snoring.<\/p>\n

And when I lost my taste for alcohol, weed and Pall Malls, she \u2014 not to mention my liver and lungs \u2014 was grateful.<\/p>\n

Losses also can fill our mental safety deposit box of anecdotes.<\/p>\n

Nancy once got a Jaguar tour of the Civic Center parking lots when she coaxed a young attorney into helping her locate her vanished Camry by pleading, \u201cPretend I\u2019m your mother.\u201d<\/p>\n

Then, of course, there\u2019s the negative side of the ledger.<\/p>\n

Topping my list of worrisome recent disappearances is my diminished eyesight, abetted by cataracts.<\/p>\n

To counteract my growing anxiety, I\u2019ve stooped to regularly kissing the rings of Kaiser Permanente ophthalmologists and optometrists in San Rafael.<\/p>\n

At the bottom of my list of worries are my granddaughter\u2019s missing and wiggly baby teeth. I\u2019d be willing to bet the 8-year-old doesn\u2019t believe in the Tooth Fairy anymore but firmly believes in the five-dollar bill she gets for slipping a tooth under her pillow.<\/p>\n

Lost through inflation along the way has been the value of a buck. I used to give my kids a quarter. And I felt no deprivation whatsoever even though my parents stiffed me completely.<\/p>\n

Some losses undeniably are permanent.<\/p>\n

My underwear somehow evaporated in Europe, for example, while quick drying on a wine rack.<\/p>\n

Nancy\u2019s luck with AWOL clothing is infinitely better. A hotel employee once took the trouble to mail her back an unwashed, wrinkled nightgown from a Bahamas vacation.<\/p>\n

But the truth is, my wife doesn\u2019t fret in advance about losing things.<\/p>\n

That\u2019s mainly because she strongly believes in karma and always returns what she finds.<\/p>\n

I can verify this fantastical account about a wallet she found: When she called the owner to inform her about it, the woman was dining with Nancy\u2019s dermatologist.<\/p>\n

Finding is, naturally, the flip side of losing.<\/p>\n

My 75-year-old wife recently unearthed an old, old, old supposedly lost outfit in the way-back of her closet.<\/p>\n

She wore it just for giggles while strolling with Kismet in Fairfax one evening. A woman she didn\u2019t know approached her just to say, \u201cWhat a magnificent vintage dress.\u201d<\/p>\n

Without losing a beat, Nancy answered, \u201cThanks. It goes with the face and body \u2014 I\u2019m vintage too.\u201d<\/p>\n

Losing things is hardly a new experience for us.<\/p>\n

In fact, my wife and I wrote a song called \u201cLost It Blues\u201d for our unproduced musical revue, \u201cTouching Up the Gray.\u201d And we\u2019re still living out the lyrics, despite having composed the piece 16 years ago.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve lost 2 billion pens, 3 dozen pinky rings<\/p>\n

\u201cOver the last 40 or 50 years.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd where\u2019s the car I just parked<\/p>\n

\u201cWith all its dings.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve lost count of what I\u2019ve lost.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s so embarrassing.\u201d<\/p>\n

But the song ends on a more serious note by referring to what we both consider our biggest loss \u2014 our youth:<\/p>\n

\u201cTime is irretrievable,<\/p>\n

\u201cIt is unbelievable<\/p>\n

\u201cI had time on my hands,<\/p>\n

\u201cBut now it\u2019s lost.\u201d<\/p>\n

Contact Woody Weingarten at voodee@sbcglobal.net<\/a> or check out his blog at www.vitalitypress.com\/<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

My wife keeps me busy by endlessly assigning me unwanted tasks. Like finding her lost cell phone. And umbrellas. My search parties are mobilized weekly. Not long ago Nancy phoned…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":32,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"yasr_overall_rating":0,"yasr_post_is_review":"","yasr_auto_insert_disabled":"","yasr_review_type":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[26],"tags":[],"class_list":{"0":"post-16526","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","6":"category-woody-weingarten"},"yasr_visitor_votes":{"stars_attributes":{"read_only":true,"span_bottom":"