{"id":15452,"date":"2014-11-18T17:12:44","date_gmt":"2014-11-19T01:12:44","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/forallevents.com\/reviews\/?p=15452"},"modified":"2014-11-18T17:12:44","modified_gmt":"2014-11-19T01:12:44","slug":"view-from-across-the-pond-burqas","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/forallevents.com\/reviews\/view-from-across-the-pond-burqas\/","title":{"rendered":"VIEW FROM ACROSS THE POND: BURQAS"},"content":{"rendered":"

IN DEFENSE OF BIRQAS<\/strong><\/p>\n

A woman\u2019s face is her work of fiction.<\/p>\n

Oscar Wilde<\/p>\n

\n

I have reached the age when looking in the mirror has become a nightmare.\u00a0 Either I see my mother or a woman who looks ready for a plot.\u00a0 If the night before has been particularly grueling, I don\u2019t see much at all.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I find that it takes a lot of work these days to get my face ready for public viewing.\u00a0 I am not talking about going to a formal dance or meeting a dignitary.\u00a0 I am saying that before I dare leave the house, I have a time consuming, discouraging and ego damaging routine I must follow before I dare greet the outside world.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

As soon as I wake up, I drink 12 ounces of warm water to hydrate my skin.\u00a0 I use a special facial sponge to wipe the sleep from my eyes and remove the rivulets of sand that have lodged in the wrinkles on my face and dripped down the folds of my neck.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I haul out a magnifying mirror and work on the white heads, uneven bumps and enlarged pores that spring up as if by magic during the night. Then I address the lush new growth of hair in my lip, my chin and hanging from my nostrils.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I apply a light moisturizing lotion to try to plump up the sagging pouches around my eyes and under my chin.\u00a0 I pat the skin dry and hope those gaping pores close.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

They don\u2019t.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I apply a mild sun screen to the entire region of flesh above my collar bone.\u00a0 It is impossible to separate my jawbone from my clavicle.\u00a0 They have coagulated into a soft mass of unidentifiable epidermis. I have not seen my neck in fifteen years.\u00a0\u00a0 I slather on moisturizer and hope it sinks into all the right places.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

It doesn\u2019t.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

My skin has developed so many colors that I cannot decide if it is a plaid or a print. Both peaches and cream are but a memory.\u00a0 I apply a foundation that is the color of what it once was when it glowed with the blush of youth.\u00a0 This was so many years ago that I am not sure I have chosen the right shade.\u00a0 The one I am using is a tad darker than bleached cotton but not so dark that I look like an immigrant.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

It is now time to do my eyes.\u00a0 The first challenge is locating them.\u00a0 They are wedged between the folds of my eyelids and the puffed gray pillows around what is left of my eyelashes.\u00a0 I rub a bit of oil on the lids and then a tad of eye shadow to match my outfit.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 I need to be careful because if I am wearing a vivid combination of color, my eyes will look like Bozo\u2019s.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I am now ready for THE BIG CHALLENGE.\u00a0 I must use a pencil and draw a line right above my eye lashes and directly under my eye. \u00a0This can take anywhere from twenty minutes to several hours depending on how many times I jam the pencil into my cornea or dislodge my contact lens.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Each morning my cheeks sag a few inches closer to my collar bone. I need to redefine them with rouge.\u00a0 The trick is to add just enough tint so I don\u2019t look dead.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I look in the mirror to see if there has been any improvement.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

There hasn\u2019t.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I so envy the women of the Middle East.\u00a0 They wake, drape themselves in a burqa and go out on the town.\u00a0 Oh, I know they are subservient and need to shut up and take it.\u00a0 But the truth is that with a face like mine, no one is going to want to give it to me anyway unless I cover it up.\u00a0 There is a huge advantage to draping yourself in a filmy bit of fabric and leaving your appearance to the imagination.\u00a0 I could probably pass for a real looker unless it\u2019s a windy day.<\/p>\n

\n

\n

The average woman uses at least seven skin-care products each day. This number includes collagens, cleansers, moisturizers, sunscreen and cosmetics as well as hair products, perfume and nail polish and she still looks her age.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The largest organ of the body is the skin.\u00a0 It is always hungry and requires vitamins, lubricants, massage, and TLC.\u00a0 My husband told me that\u00a0 was something else .<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I tried exfoliating my skin but when I finished my face became so red that I could have rubbed it with glitter and decorated our Christmas tree.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Another advantage of the burqa is that no one can tell if you are pregnant.\u00a0 I n my case, this is a definite advantage.\u00a0 If anyone knew I was expecting I might lose my senior citizen discount.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

While you\u2019re saving your face;<\/p>\n

You\u2019re losing your ass.<\/p>\n

Lyndon Johnson<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\n

\n

\n

\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

IN DEFENSE OF BIRQAS A woman\u2019s face is her work of fiction. Oscar Wilde I have reached the age when looking in the mirror has become a nightmare.\u00a0 Either I…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":6,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"yasr_overall_rating":0,"yasr_post_is_review":"","yasr_auto_insert_disabled":"","yasr_review_type":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[837],"tags":[],"class_list":{"0":"post-15452","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","6":"category-joe-cillo"},"yasr_visitor_votes":{"stars_attributes":{"read_only":true,"span_bottom":"